Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
