Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
