Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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