There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
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I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
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He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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