Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
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professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
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In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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