I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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