Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
That reminds me...we need to get swords
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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