Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
