did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
