Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
