I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
