You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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