oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
