I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
