I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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