How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
