i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
