3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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