We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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