What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
