She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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