I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
