i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize