There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
