I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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