why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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