They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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