theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
