no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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