I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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