I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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