she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
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