My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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