I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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