Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
