I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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