My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I just want to make out with him forever
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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