Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
