If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
