it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
