Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
last night I used snow as a chaser
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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