false alarm. still invincible.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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