Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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