Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
