Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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