call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
