my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
