Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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