If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
