my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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