I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
