Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
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