so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Sacagawea was the original milf.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
