did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
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The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
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So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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