cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
