Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You ruined the universe
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
