I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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