rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
