What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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