It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
