Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
My feet surprised me
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